Wednesday 30 October 2013

My Narrative Story!

Devastating News
I call but my family can’t hear me .I hear  the tsunami laughing..I think in my head is the world ending?Then I think of positive thoughts.Me and my family run and try to escape from the tsunami but it’s too late.Humonugus waves captures my eyes.I see bodies been washed away .Kids cry and yell I want to do something but I can’t.Houses collapse Then dark grey clouds surround the sky.Cars get torn in to bits.We try to out run the waves.”You can’t out run me” says the tsunami and gives us a cruel smile.Cars drive at a high speed.The waves nearly go out of space.Then I hear a familiar voice it’s my little brother and my family “but they where right here” I say” then I look back and there bodies floating.What a awful nightmare I cry then a evil laugh comes from the tsunami.”I destroyed them now I destroy you”  It yells ?I think is it because how us people use to  swim on his back and  your bodie and now you want’s revenge.”Yes” says the tsunami.”but this is more than revenge you're taking our life away”I yell Then the tsunami stops.”If you dont swim on me I will not come on this place ever again” the tsunami says.We did  a treaty to remember.But Will the tsunami break his promise?

3 comments:

Mrs Manuyag said...

* One thing I love about your narrative story is the way you have made your tsunami alive!!

* My favourite sentences in your story are "Kids cry and yell. I want to do something but I can’t. Houses collapse. Then dark grey clouds surround the sky."

* One thing I think you could work on next time is re-reading your story to make sure you have put full stops in the right place and that it makes sense!

Anonymous said...

Hi Maopa,

One thing I love about your narrative story is how you use Punctuations.

My favourite sentence of your story is Houses collapse Then dark grey clouds surround the sky.

One thing I think you could work on next time is is more powerful words.

Anonymous said...

* One thing I love about your narrative story is
That you have a lot of speaking and that your narrative makes sense.
keep it up I wiould like to see your next narrative writing.





* My favourite sentence of your story is
Humongous waves capture my eyes. I see bodies washed away.

* One thing I think you could work on next time is
adding some apthorp and some explantion mark

Keep It Up Maopa

Post a Comment